Millions of people throughout the world have reported Extraordinary Experiences (EEs) when mourning the deaths of their loved ones. These experiences are not associated with a psychic. Rather they are spontaneous in nature and appear to originate from an outside source. They include visions, synchronicities, hearing the deceased, sensing the presence of the loved one, visitation dreams, and various symbolic signs, to name a few.

These events have been occurring since the dawn of history and appear to be a normal phenomenon giving great comfort and insight to the bereaved. Because they can neither be proved nor disproved, little is done to show how they can be used, or accepted as a gift to be shared and discussed. They serve the spirit by causing the recipient to consider where these things come from and who controls them.

Here is what to do if you are fortunate to have the experience or are providing support for someone who shares an experience with you.

1. Rule out the obvious. It is good to be skeptical, especially if you have never had an EE before, and you wonder if it is just wishful thinking. Ask yourself if this is the kind of thing your loved one would do and decide if you have an intuitive certainty about the experience. Most important of all, did it bring you peace or feelings that love was being given? If you answer in the affirmative, then give thanks to your Higher Power, and use it to deal with your loss.

2. As soon as possible, write up the complete experience. Start with where you were and what you were doing when the event unfolded. Then, from beginning to end, go into detail and give a complete description. Be sure to include the feelings that were evoked and how you interpret the message conveyed by the experience.

3. Put a copy of your writing in a safe place where it can be passed on as part of your family history. Your EE can be a wonderful legacy to give to the next generation where it will be read and speculated about as a source of love. Put it with other important papers with a note as to its importance and meaning for you.

4. Share it with your family or close friends. In doing so, be prepared that there may be some who do not agree with your view of its meaning. Do not let that upset you. In fact, it is to be expected. You and you alone are the sole judge of your experience. You know how it felt, the timing, what it was saying, and the implications. Hold fast to your belief.

5. Use it to teach your children about the fact that love never dies. The EE brings comfort and the universal message, Im okay and you can be okay too. It is a gift of love to deal with the transition you must face. When it involves a child, make it clear that the deceased loves him or her very much. That is why the child was given the experience.

6. When you have a bad day, take out your copy of the experience and read it focusing on its meaning and the love it represents. You can leave a written copy of your experience in a drawer of your night stand to be read at any time. Use it as an inspiration and a reminder that your loved one knows whats going on and wants to see you persist in adapting to your loss.

7. Create a personal symbol that characterizes the experience that you can place in a prominent place in your home, automobile, or purse. This symbol may be a special possession you own or that belonged to your loved one. It could be a drawing, emblem, or picture that sends a particular message to you when you see it. Use it as a reminder that you are loved forever, as a motivation to reach a particular goal, or to highlight any belief that you wish to keep prominent in your thinking.

Learn all you can about Extraordinary Experiences. Much has been written about them, and there is much to study and learn about. Taking this action will not only increase your awareness but you will be educating yourself about one of the many mysteries in our universe that needs to be used as the gift it is intended to be. You will emerge with vitality and insight about a whole new phase of life.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

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Everyones life is like a thread. There is a beginning, a middle, and an end. Some threads are short, and others are very long. But all of them do end. No thread on this earth goes on forever. A person is born, lives for a time, and then dies.

And I believe relationships are the same because relationships are made of people. Every relationship is like two threads which fate brings together. They intertwine for a while, and then separate.

And they will separate. Everyone you love, will one day leave you. One day, they may stop loving you and leave you. Or one day you may stop loving them, and you will leave. But even if you both love each other and stay together, one day your loved one will die or you will die. It doesnt matter if they are your father or mother, sister or brother, friend or lover, son or daughter. One day, there will be an accident, or an earthquake, or cancer, or it will just be time to go. One day, the person you love will be gone. Or you will be gone. And you know this is true. Everyone knows this is true, somewhere inside their hearts.

But maybe you dont want this to be true. You want your life and your love to be different. Maybe you want the people you love, or the people who love you, to stay with you and live forever. You dont want to believe or accept that one day, they will be gone. You dont want to think about the endings before they come. Because maybe, inside your heart, you hope. You hope that for you or the ones you love, the ending might not come.

And so you hold on. As the ones you love are leaving you or dying, you hold on to hope. You hope that they will come back to you, or that they will stay with you for just another while. You hope that the ending will not come. And because you hold on, you suffer. Because you hope, you suffer. And you suffer because you are holding onto something which is almost gone, or already gone. Sometimes your own hope prevents you from seeing the truth.

If your friend moves to a different city, or your child grows up and moves out of the house, does that mean you stop loving them? The person may be gone, but your love for them still lives inside your heart if you let it. Anyone you have ever loved, has helped you become the person you are today. They brought you memories. They gave you joy and love, and perhaps sadness and tears as well. They showed you about life, whether they knew it or not. And because of all these things, they helped you grow, whether you know it or not. If you had never met that person, your life and yourself would have been less than it is. So if you have ever truly loved, then you have received even if they didnt really love you back. Because you loved, you lived, and your heart grew. This is how I believe love lives - if someone you love leaves you or dies, a part of them still stays inside of you.

So dont hold on to the person, who has to go. But you can hold on to the love, the love that stays inside your heart for as long as you live. Let go of the person, but keep the love. When a movie ends, you leave the theater. When a book ends, you put it down. But even though the story ends, it stays inside your heart to become a part of you.

It is hard to let go. To let go of the ones you love. To say good-bye. But behind every hello, there will be a good-bye; behind every holding on, there will have to be a letting go. And it will be easier if you remember that the threads will separate, that your story together will end. And it will probably end in a manner not of your own choosing, and at a time that you cannot foresee. Maybe that time will come in 50 years or maybe it will come tomorrow. Remember every day, that the end will come. Because I believe that if you do remember every day, you will learn how to better cherish every day the people you love in your life. Remembering will teach you how to love. Remember every day, that the person you love will die, and that you will also die and you will live and love better. Know death every day, in order to live life every day. Because I believe if you do remember every day, you will not be a person who doesnt know what they had until they lost it. Remembering every day what you can lose, and you will know every day how much you really have. Life is more beautiful and precious when you know you will die. A person is born, lives for a time, and then dies. Just like a flower.

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Suicide

The power to supress

The pain and the loss

The tears and the saddness

The grief inside

Lying there

Dormant

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No power to deal

With the pain that you caused

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Your selfish act

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Afraid to live

Through suppression I survive

Suicide not only killed you

Copyright Amanda Evans

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When you lose that one person you cant live without, the pain is unbearable. That person with whom you built a life and a relationship is now physically unavailable, and the nurturing and sustenance you relied on is gone. Languor settles over you that is beyond sadness, and the first pangs of grief are born.

In the center of a crisis, your new life begins. Decision-making becomes an exclusive responsibility, without the counsel of the person whose wisdom you cherish. Have you sat and wondered what that person would advise about a particular situation? Has an idea popped into your head that is so like your loved one? Holding fast to every aspect of that person is all you can think about. But there is no opportunity for dialogue, for the exploring of ideas. You reach for a steady hand, and realize you are alone.

The practicality of life is that things have to get done. Schedules for work, family, or personal interests are on clipboards or computers, scraps of paper, or in our heads, and we respond to their demands. I have to be somewhere in a half hour, I have a meeting tonight, the kids need a ride rule our lives. Then someone dies and none of it matters. It pales by comparison, except that commitments have been made and responsibilities need to be met.

We begin making decisions immediately. Some things cant wait, and so we shoot from the hip. We are beginning to build a new life before were ready, and without much thought or expert advice. Our new life is happening by accident.

How do we, then, begin to build a life by design? Lets look at four considerations that can become the blueprint for a new life.

1. Imperatives What must be addressed now? Money matters, medical issues, legal situations, children, housing are all items that need immediate attention.

Ask experts and/or professionals for good, solid advice. Here is where well-meaning friends and relatives may not know whats best for you. Their experiences may have nothing in common with yours. Thank them politely, and then listen to the experts.

2. Keepsakes Consider carefully what you want to keep from your relationship with your loved one. What sustains you, what do you cherish that needs to be tucked away in your treasure chest?
Your treasured keepsakes will help you decide how to re-order your life. Think deeply about each one, remember its significance, and determine how to include its core value in any decisions you make. For example: a shared interest in music may encourage you to continue to buy season tickets to the symphony, using the second ticket to invite a friend or family member to join you.

3. Change Major changes (job, residence) should be given a lot of thought, and the rule of thumb is to wait a year for important decisions, but you can start to explore possibilities.
Taking up a new hobby or joining a special interest group that appeals to you is ideal, now that you are alone. The personal growth will be stimulating and positive, and meeting new people enables you to better manage the sense of isolation that comes with grief.

4. Dream Allow yourself to dream new dreams. Designing a new life will be awkward. You didnt plan it or ask for this event in your life. But it has happened, and moving forward affirms that living fully can occur even though we are alone. The memories of loving and being loved created an individual with a sense of the goodness and sustainability of a purposeful life.

Be encouraged as you move forward and struggle to rebuild your life. My lifes design included all of the above considerations, not always in order, but carefully crafted as to my well-being and growth. Seek wisdom and support from others, and give freely.

Judy Strong lost her husband in 1991. She has experienced the entire cycle of grief and recovery, which is recorded in her book, No Time to Grieve - ISBN 1-59298-0473, $9.95. Further information on loss, grief and recovery is available on her website http://www.notimetogrieve.com

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Where are you?

Its the building with the big dumpster in front.

A moment later, Im there, surrounded by a sea of sweaty muscled men toting sheet rock, hammers, electric saws, wood scraps, PVC piping.

George!

Up here! Take the elevator!

Meet George L. Griffin III, young man in black cotton shirt, words 6 out of 5 people dont understand fractions splayed across his chest. He wears clean jeans, a smile big as a pizza, and hes posed like Superman without a cape Standing, face forward, hands on hips, warm breeze ruffling his shirt On top a city roof, looking like he just landed from Planet Krypton, admiring the Manhattan skyline.

Isnt it beautiful?

“Thats some shirt you got there, George.”

“Yeah, do you believe people actually tell me they dont get it.”

“George, can I get your picture?”

Too late. The camera viewer displays a black blur.

“How big is this building?”

“62 high. Its going to be in Architectural Digest. Were under contract. Started this job second week of February. Got a one year contract. Plan to be done by Thanksgiving. I hope.”

“How much?”

“13 mil, as is. 14 mil, finished.”

“How many rooms?”

Were interrupted. George flips his phone, motions a finger to his lips.

“Paolo.
30 bags of sand. Is that enough?
Thats it?
You sure?
What else?
JV channel?
How many pieces?
Box of 10?
Okay.”

He flips the phone shut. Opens a Blackberry. Two pointy fingers tap.

“Do you have a title?”

“Watch your step. I dont have a title. I have a job. I wanted you to see where I work. Im really doing something down here.”

“Everybody in New York has a title.”

“Okay. Sr. Executive Coordinator. Thats what it says on my business card.”

“Whats this? Can I take your picture?”

“Drawings. See that? I do this. Step-by-step building construction. Plans. Change orders. Electricians, plumbers. I tell them what to do. This is the original layout. Did you know there is a difference between a cellar and a basement.”

I aim. Shoot. Another fuzzy black blur.

You got a picture of the floor. Dont you know how to use that thing?

“What room is this?”

“Thats the servants room.”

“Its a very large room. How many servants will sleep in there?”

“Dont know. Dont care. But thats where theyll all sleep. Follow me. This is the garden entrance. Where the servants will enter.”

“What about the upstairs entrance. Will anyone use that?”

“No. I think its for show.”

“How many rooms in this house?”

“Lets see. Theres the master bedroom suite. Thats one whole floor. Theres the living area, the multi-media room, the library, the extra bedroom, the other extra bedroom, the other other extra extra bedroom. Theres a lot of bathrooms. One on each floor. Theres six floors.”

“Stop! Whats the square footage?”

“Thats a very good question. Id say more than 6600. Does that sound right? But its up and down. This is the city.”

“Where are you going now?”

“The other job. Thats on Park Avenue. And dont look up when we walk down the street. I hate it when people do that. Its a sure sign youre from out of town. I hate that. The place is crawling with tourists.”

“Youre a very busy guy. Do you like what you do?”

“I love what I do. Im up at 5 a.m. every morning, sometimes earlier to get down here by 7. Its a long day. And a long week. Some nights I dont get home until after 9. Then its straight to bed. And the next day, my schedule begins again.”

“What else do you do for Charles Cortes, Inc.?”

“I built their website. I handle that stuff, too. Everybody asks me for help for tech stuff. I can do html. Big mistake. Sometimes I wish I didnt know about computers.”

“Can I have the link? Id like to put it in my article.”

“Sorry. The website is closed to the public. Its a private online data base. User name and password is required to go to the site. I hold the password.”

“Do you do banners?”

“Oh, Ma, Im so busy. Please. Dont ask.”

“George, do you remember where you were 5 years ago at this time?”

Long pause - as I wait for him to recall that dark and stormy night.

“I have no idea. I dont really remember.”

“Any idea where you want to be 5 years from now.”

“Five years from now Id love to work on reconstructing one of my own buildings. Id sell it before it is complete. Walk away clean. Ill float the banks money. Id like to be living down here with Colleen, have a couple kids.”

“What about 9/11, George. Didnt it hurt building?”

“9/11 had a minute effect on building. Maybe for one year after. Now nobody cares. This is New York City. You cant kill it. No matter what you do, it will always grow. It will always be here. Its New York City! Its the Metropolis! Well, at least I think so. I could be wrong. I dont know. What do you think?”

On the walk back to Grand Central, I do the tourist thing - I look up. Yes. I agree. New York is an amazing City. And so is George L. Griffin III.

You have permission to contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com and request a copy of her free ebook, “Treasury of Quotations,” for widows only. Della Donna does interviews, profiles and other writing assignments.

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No one likes to think about illness and death, when we are well, we feel invincible and there is nothing that can prepare us for the shock and devastation of a terminal diagnosis. The knowledge that we can no longer take our lives or the lives we share with our loved ones for granted takes away our ability to plan for the future and removes hope from our lives. When a loved one becomes terminally ill, we grieve in anticipation of their death, we grieve for the loss of them in our lives and we grieve for our own mortality.

No one is immune to grief. There are those amongst us today, who have grieved deeply in the past, there are those who are grieving deeply now and sadly, all of us will grieve at some time in the future. It is inevitable that if we love deeply, we will also grieve deeply, but few of us would deny ourselves the gift of love to our lives. So, grief becomes a part of our lives that we must learn to deal with. There are well documented stages to the grieving process, yet no two peoples journey will be the same.

My journey began in Dec 1999.when my husband and partner of 37 years was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. His terminal diagnosis was delivered in a some what brutal manner by a young doctor who concluded his statement by saying three to nine months I reckon. Upon hearing those words I felt as if Brian and I had been shot. Certainly Brian was mortally wounded and I who loved him completely felt as if I too had received a death sentence.

My initial shock over his diagnosis was followed by anger and denial. I refused to believe that there was nothing I could do to save his life and begun surfing the internet for any information I could find regarding his disease, hoping to find someone, somewhere who had found a cure. I was looking for a miracle and found none, however the knowledge I acquired helped me to accept that my husband was dying. This did not make it easier to bear, living in expectation of a loved ones death, is like sitting on a time bomb. Knowing that it is going to go off but being powerless to stop it.

My turmoil was made worse by the reaction of our friends, who upon hearing of Brians diagnosis were shocked and not knowing what to do or say, avoided us. Some even crossing the street when they saw us coming. At our local club instead of the enthusiastic welcome we were accustomed to, we were greeted with silence or exaggerated attempts at joviality. It was as if we had lost our identity, they no longer saw us as Brian and Lorraine, we had become the objects of pity, a sad reminder of the fragility of life.

Brians prognosis of three to nine months was ever on our minds and this had a catastrophic affect on all of our lives. We dared not plan for anything fearing that Brian would not be with us to enjoy it. Our eldest daughter wanting her father to be present at her wedding, planned it for June, six months after his diagnosis. We found it hard to find joy in the preparations as we greatly feared that he would not be alive to share it with us. Birthdays and Christmases brought the same anguish.

With no idea of what to expect, I feared that he might die at any time and due to this, I saw any symptom he displayed as a sign of his imminent death. I was reluctant to let him out of my sight for fear that he would not return to me. I wondered how he would die. Would he have a heart attack, a haemorrhaged, or suddenly be unable to breath. Would he be in much pain? The relief I felt for each month of life he was granted was overshadowed by my dread of the beginning of each new month because the beginning of each month brought us closer to the 9 months maximum of his prognosis.

For the first time in our long relationship, I could not turn to Brian for strength. I recognised and supported his need to live in hope whilst at the same time I was struggling with my hopelessness. I could not burden the children with my grief; they had not fully accepted that their fathers prognosis and it hurt them if I mentioned his condition. It was hard to remain strong for all of them and to act as if everything was okay when nothing was okay. There were days when I told everyone I met that my husband was dying. Seeing the sympathy and compassion on their faces justified the depth of my despair.

My emotional turmoil soon affected my health, I ached with tension, begun to have trouble catching my breath, groaned involuntarily and felt as if I too were dying. I was fortunate in that my doctor did not prescribe anti depressants for me to help me cope with my anticipatory grief. Instead he advised that I see a councilor on a regular basis and that I begin writing in a personal diary. His advice was sound. The diary I begun on that day became my strongest coping tool I wrote in it daily, often in the form of poetry pouring my heartache and fear onto the pages. I wrote the poem Loving You shortly after his diagnosis the words Lean on me Later became the title of my book.

In sickness and in health until death us do part. No wedding vows could be truer.

Brians illness and death has profoundly impacted on my life. His courage and the strength I found to support him as he journeyed to the end of his life has shown me the true meaning of love and the strength of the human spirit.

Article written by: Lorraine Kember Author of Lean on Me Cancer through a Carers Eyes. Lorraines book is written from her experience of caring for her dying husband in the hope of helping others. It includes insight and discussion on: Anticipatory Grief, Understanding and identifying pain, Pain Management and Symptom Control, Chemotherapy, Palliative Care, Quality of Life and Dying at home. It also features excerpts and poems from her personal diary. Highly recommended by the Cancer Council. Lean on Me is not available in bookstores - For detailed information, Doctors recommendations, Reviews, Book Excerpts and Ordering Facility - visit her website http://www.cancerthroughacarerseyes.jkwh.com

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If you have been close to someone who has died, you are in pain. At times, it seems almost unbearable. You may also feel despair and hopelessness. Guilt, anger, and depression are normal emotions that may rear their ugly heads.

How can you deal with the pain of loss? What have others done to assuage their grief? Some strengthen their support network by joining a support group while others lean on good friends who will share their pain and not try to fix it. Very few are aware that their most powerful coping response is to strengthen their ability to love. Yes, to love. Dont stop reading. It works again and again, because it takes you outside of yourself, as you will see.

Few counselors or therapists recommend the focus on love because it seems a rather Pollyanna approach to facing a major change in life. Yet, in my experience it is the most productive inner choice you can make. Here are three ways you can use this approach to reduce and eventually eliminate your pain.

1. Work at increasing your ability to love in separation. Start with the intent that although your loved one has died, your relationship never will. It changes to a relationship based on memories, new traditions, and celebrations in which the loved one is symbolically remembered. This is extremely importantyou can love in separation even as you reinvest in your new life, as you must. It will get you through your great loss.

This means there is nothing wrong with talking to your loved one each day. Consider what psychotherapist Thomas Moore, in Dark Nights of the Soul, says about talking to deceased loved ones:

The dead have lived in our space, in our homes, and on our land. They are part of our worldI pray for and to my mother, and I trust that she still prays for meI converse with her now more than ever before Maybe if we honored the dead more, we would know better what it means to have reverence for life

Light a symbolic candle at holidays and family reunions as a new tradition, start a memorial trust or scholarship fund, plant a memorial tree in his/her honor, listen to the deceaseds favorite music, or eat his/her favorite meal or dessert. Find ways to love. Print out the Moore quote to use as a reminder to become an expert at loving in separation.

2. Start each day with the intent of being a more loving person to all you meet. At the same time, make a commitment to be more loving and caring to family and friends. For those you have had conflict with in the past, look for the good and their strong points first.

Zero in on specific forms of kindnesssincere compliments, giving your time to one of their causes or interests, volunteering at the local soup kitchen, making prayer shawls or quilts for the newly bereaved, or join a group with an environmental purpose. The interaction will help you immensely. Find ways to sincerely love.

3. Use this daily check of your progress. We all have to start new routines after the death of our loved one. So add this new routine to your schedule. Each evening, at the end of the day, go to your favorite quiet place in your home. Sit quietly for a few moments. Listen to your breathing. Relax and light a candle, if you wish or play soft music.

Then ask yourself this question: What moment during the day did I cherish most, where I freely gave or received love? Immerse yourself in it and take note of all of the details surrounding the experience. Give thanks for the experience. After a few minutes, ask yourself this question: What moment during the day did I least cherish, where I did not choose to give love or receive it. Consider the circumstances and then decide what you could have done to influence a different outcome. Each day, seek to become more aware of the needs of self and others, and how your efforts will make a huge difference in the quality of life.

What happens as you give and receive love is that you will find many opportunities to strengthen your social network which is more important to healing than any medication or vitamin. Once more, through loving, you will reduce your risk of becoming depressed and literally strengthen your immune system.

Loving is a choice and quite reasonable; it will bring many new ideas to consider, people to meet, and places to go. Its inevitable, as it puts you on a high road away from the pain of loss and on a new focus on gratitude for life. It gradually leads to the biggest prize of all: inner peace.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

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During my first year of college a life-long family friend and mentor tragically lost his son. Separated by distance, I assumed that his Christian friends, the staff at his church, and his Sunday school class would step in and wrap their arms around him and his wife. Needless to say I was surprised, one year later, when we were able to finally meet face to face. When I asked him how he and his wife were doing the first words out of his mouth were, Brian, the church failed us during our greatest time of need. Knowing first-hand his maturity and emotional soundness, I was taken back. I thought, If he said the church failed them, the church must have really failed them.

Those who experience tragic loss, which Im sure will include all of us by the time we leave this planet, experience sorrow that defies explanation. C.S. Lewis, struggling to put into words how he felt after losing his wife commented,

No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. (A Grief Observed , p. 19)

And if there was ever someone besides Lewis that couldnt put their finger on the depth of their grief, it had to be Naomi.

The Book of Ruth tells us that Naomi was happily married to a man named Elimilech and together they had two strong sons, Mahlon and Kilion. As life goes, business took her family to a foreign country-a place called Moab. But even in that distant land their family blossomed. Life was good. Then, without even the faintest hint that heartbreak was standing at her door, Naomis husband didnt return home for dinner. Who could have known that their kiss that morning would have been their last? Her sons eventually married, but even their weddings and talk of children couldnt take away the emptiness she felt. Finally, in a cruel twist that even Hollywood wouldnt script, she lost both of her sons. She was devastated, alone and bewildered. Naomi was so broken that Ruth 1:20 tells us that she began asking people to not call her Naomi (meaning pleasant) anymore but Mara (meaning bitter).

The bright spot, if there can be a bright spot in someones tragic loss, is that there was someone who didnt leave her. Her name was Ruth, her daughter-in-law. Were told she didnt offer any deep theological explanations. Theres no record that she tried to provide the right word at the right time. All we hear is Ruths promise in Ruth 1:16, Where you go I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. And thats exactly what she did.

I never asked my friend what his church could have done differently. I didnt feel that it was my place.

My guess? Unlike Ruth, there were probably too many words and too few visits.

Brian Jones is the author of Second Guessing God: Hanging on When You Cant See Plan (March 2006) and the founding Senior Pastor of Christs Church of the Valley in Collegeville, PA. More information about his writing and speaking can be found at http://www.brianjones.com

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In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross published her famous book; On Death and Dying and later went on to launch the Hospice movement in America. Even though her studies focused more on those who were dying than the caregivers that were left behind, her work has had enormous influence on the understanding of various stages of death and grief.

She described five distinctive stages of the grief process:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Although not everyone progresses through these stages in the same order and not everyone experiences each stage, the feelings and emotions identified seem to be universal.

At one time the diagnosis of cancer, AIDS or COPD was a death sentence. Advances in medicine and treatment now sometimes place patients with these diseases in a chronic rather than acute condition, leaving the caregiver with a sense of on-going sadness, or anticipatory grief.

Anticipation in this context refers to the anticipation of an event in the future. Barring a miracle, the caregiver has a sure knowledge that death will occur in our loved one sooner rather than later.

In anticipation of eventual death, the caregiver changes her focus from the hopes of a miracle cure to ensuring comfort and quality at lifes end.

Many of the caregivers I have worked with not only mourn the anticipation of death of a loved one, but also the end of their role in life. They are afraid of who they will become when they no longer bear the title of wife, daughter or caregiver.

The overwhelming burden of caring, worrying and dedication will end with the death of a loved one. What will fill the void? Have they been strong for so long that when death does occur, they will collapse?

Nature demonstrates that almost everything occurs in cycles. Each individual experiences an endless flow of beginnings and endings. Much of our fear and grief stems from our uncertainty about the new beginning and if we will be able to handle it.

The more we can trust that with every ending is a new beginning, the less likely we are to resist letting go of the old. We play a part in choosing what the new beginning will be. We do not need to rush into anything. We have worked hard and with love, and we deserve to rest and regroup.

Trust yourself and trust nature that you will be guided in your journey. Each one of us goes through the cycles of life in our own way. We can see each ending as a tragedy because we will no longer have daily exposure and experiences with our loved one, or we can see it as a new beginning for everyone.

This article may be re-printed in its entirety as long as full credit is given to the author, Judy H. Wright. For a full listing of books, articles and tele-classes on this and other subjects related to the journey of life, please go to: www.ArtichokePress.com

This article may be re-printed in its entirety as long as full credit is given to the author, Judy H. Wright. For a full listing of books, articles and tele-classes on this and other subjects related to the journey of life, please go to: http://www.ArtichokePress.com To contact Ms. Wright call 406-549-9813 or write JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com

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So the news is out. Your best friends sisters cousins daughters next door neighbors dog walkers husbands got cancer. And the news is bad. Its Stage 4, and its metastasized. He doesnt have long to live. You just saw the man two days ago, and he didnt look sick. You want to know how can this be. So you go out of your way to contact this woman. Why not? You need information. And you need it fast.

Pardon me. I know you mean well, and you wouldnt swat a fly on a hot dog at a picnic, but if you really care about your own self respect, and I think you do or you wouldnt be reading this, youll keep silent. For now.

Heres what to say/what not to say to the soon to be nearly newly widowed:

Dont say, where is the cancer? What kind of cancer is it? What is the prognosis? Was he a smoker? Did he drink? These questions have nothing to do with the price of linen. And they hurt.

If you must say something, the next time you see the NNW, say I love you. Extend one hand and politely ask can I give you a hug? Let this woman know shes in control of her situation. If she wants to talk, she will. If she wants to confide in you, you wont have to push or press.

Dont say, how long are you married?

How long a couple is united in matrimony is a non-issue. So button your lip.

Dont say are you on medication? Are you seeing a psychiatrist?

Really. Is this any of your business?

Say, you look good. Say, I wish I had your complexion. Compliment her hair.

Say, can I watch the baby? Can I walk the dog? while you accompany your husband to the outpatient clinic for a chemotherapy treatment.

Be aware though this woman may not show it, she is in pain.

Validate the NNW.

Give her permission to be the best she can be. At this time.

Give her space.

Do not judge.

Do not comment. Think bobble head in rear car window in front of you at stop light.

I know its not easy keeping quiet when you think you got something good to say. Think ice skater shooting a puck the size of a small rock into a net with a wooden stick. We wanna holler, stamp our feet, shout, shake our fists, and tell that guy how to do it. Until reminded by Mr. Referee that in order for the hockey player to score a goal, spectators must stand back, and keep off the ice.

So try to remember at least three things about what to say/what not to say as outlined above. If you do, youll feel good about yourself and you just might score a hat trick with the nearly newly widowed.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and supports new widows through the grief process. Della Donna makes her home 20 miles north from where the World Trade Center used to be with her small dog, Izzy and his little cat, Tux. Be sure to receive a copy of Della Donnas FREE E-Book, Treasury of Quotations by visiting her web site - http://www.littleredmailbox.com - and filling out the opt-in box. You can learn more about Della Donna by reading her blog - http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com - Need an interview? Perhaps you have a different writing assignment. Feel free to contact Della Donna at linda@littleredmailbox.com. Shes waiting to hear from you.

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